Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Thursday, March 14, 2024

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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(I received a note from PreOccupied Territory with this story saying that it was written before the reported air drop mishap in Gaza. He said he was "not sure whether that makes publishing it funnier." It is far from the first time that his satire ended up becoming true. - EoZ)

Gazans Panic As US Airdrops Watermelons 

Zaitoun, March 14 - Palestinians hoping to bypass Hamas's tight control of aid distribution in this embattled coastal territory by getting to the parachuted packages of food by American Air Force, only to discover to their horror today that the latest payload, in a misguided attempt to show solidarity with Palestinians with a new symbol of their struggle, contained mostly watermelons. Six Palestinians were killed and a dozen injured. The Air Force has promised an investigation. Gaza officials, who give the official Hamas line, will include the casualties in the count of innocents killed by Israel.

Aid distribution inside the Gaza Strip has proved a tough logistical nut to crack, experts noted, given the monopoly that the Islamist terrorist group maintains through its control of the major aid organizations operating there. Israel allows in hundreds of trucks per day, but those vehicles sit idle on the Gaza side of the border while Hamas hoards the supplies, distributing it only to cronies who then sell the goods to those in need. Deadly clashes and stampedes have occurred as a result, with Gazans attempting to reach the aid before Hamas thugs can seize it. American and Jordanian air drops of supplies have tried to address the situation, with limited success.

Last week, a State Department employee passed a suggestion to a colleague in the Pentagon that the US military demonstrate its support for the people of Palestine by showering them with watermelons. The watermelon became a symbol of Palestinian resistance to Israel in the wake of the October 7 massacre last year that saw Hamas invade southern Israel and slaughter 1200 people, among other atrocities. The fruit evokes the green, black, white, and red Palestinian flag, and celebrates the "cutting open" of Israeli security on that day. The watermelon features in social media handles and has become a new shorthand for support for Palestinian violence against Israel.

The suggestion moved through the ranks of military until approved by the chain of command, who requisitioned several tons of watermelon, loaded them onto cargo planes, and dropped them over areas of the Gaza Strip where locals might be able to collect them.

The USAF investigation will attempt to determine who gave the green light for the mission without verifying that the air dropped cargo had parachutes, and will set forth revamped protocols to ensure no such disaster occurs again, according to a statement by the Air Force.



Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism  today at Amazon!

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Thursday, March 07, 2024

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Washington, March 7 - Military analysts concluded this week that to date, the cadre of progressive warriors who light themselves on fire, killing or permanently disfiguring themselves, have a had no measurable impact on the ongoing military conflict between Israel an Hamas, despite significant expenditure of effort on the part of activists to frame the auto-auto da fé phenomenon as a demonstration of the pro-Palestinian position's nobility and power.

Nearly two weeks after a troubled US Air Force employee self-immolated in front of the Israeli embassy here, experts on armed conflict published an article in the journal Jane's that contrasts the hype and psychological warfare potential of faraway, impressionable, mentally ill people dousing themselves in gasoline and striking a match, with the reality on and under the ground in the Gaza Strip, where Israel continues to systematically dismantle Hamas's fighting capacity.

"Certain analysts probably let their biases get in the way of their initial assessments," allowed one expert quoted in the article. "I daresay previous confrontations between Gaza's armed groups and the IDF established certain expectations for both how fighting is conducted in dense urban spaces and what pressure the international outcry against harm to civilians comes to bear against Israel amid the inevitable civilian casualty reports. People lighting themselves on fire to protest 'genocide' might not have been an important feature of previous rounds of fighting, but those episodes created framework for understanding the dynamic in way that reinforced the preconceived notions about international outcry against Israel and the impact of that outrage on the intensity and duration of the fighting."

The article explores the assumption behind numerous faulty analyses of, and predictions regarding, the conflict since October 7, that emotionally unwell people consuming too much anti-Israel propaganda thousands of miles from the conflict zone and deciding to demonstrate their displeasure by publicly killing themselves in one of the most drawn-out, painful ways possible would move the so-called international community to prevent further "genocide of Palestinians."

It attributes some of the erroneous thinking to the notorious Palestinian use of suicide attackers. "Perhaps some observers confused the offensive use of suicide with the kind intended as virtue-signaling," the authors suggested. "One way in which the mistaken approach might prove correct, however, involves a hypothetical expansion of the phenomenon: if enough supporters of 'free Palestine' follow the example of their self-immolating comrades in the movement, that would bring the end of the conflict closer, as it would remove a sizeable portion of those whose agitation prevents Western and American elected officials from facilitating a decisive Israeli victory."




Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism  today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424. 

Read all about it here!

 

 

Thursday, February 29, 2024

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.


Washington, February 29 - Heads of nations who for years have blamed Binyamin Netanyahu for stifling prospects for a peaceful, long-term solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict continued this week to speak and act in ways that all but guarantee the embattled prime minister will secure another term in office when the time comes, since their rhetoric and decisions play into Netanyahu's established image as an unabashed fighter for Israeli security in the face of unjust opposition.

Netanyahu, who has stood at the helm of Israeli politics for almost all of the last fifteen years, faced a deepening crisis of confidence with voters following the systemic failure of intelligence and preparedness of October 7 and sparking the current war against Hamas in the Gaza Strip. His persistent legal troubles, a fizzled attempt to reform the judiciary, and a well-funded opposition protest movement had eroded much of his popular support, even if no single credible alternative leader had yet to emerge. In the meantime, internationally, proponents of deep Israeli concessions to Palestinian demands expressed continual frustration at Netanyahu's refusal to play along with the notion that Palestinians would be ready for peace anytime soon, and many of those global leaders openly spoke of sidelining or ousting him, at least by empowering or funding the opposition.

His administration's prosecution of Operation Iron Swords, however, put the domestic political concerns in abeyance while Israel came together to fight the enemy of the moment - Iran-backed Hamas and Hezbollah. Netanyahu's much-forecasted political doom became something of a consensus prospect in Israel - until the continued international pressure to reward the terrorism of October 7 with concessions came to bear on the Jewish State, allowing Bibi to position himself once again as standing in the breach against a hostile international community that refuses to take Israel's security concerns seriously.

For example, reports of a leak several weeks ago from the US State Department that the Biden Administration intends to recognize a Palestinian state with East Jerusalem as its capital, whether true or not, galvanized Israelis in a way that only the war effort had been able to achieve until now. Some analysts expected the opposition to seize on the reports as evidence that Netanyahu's decisions have alienated the country's most important ally, but those expectations failed to materialize; Israeli voters, united in a more bunker-like mentality, instead blamed American and global naivety and rallied together instead of against Netanyahu; even the center-left elements of his wartime unity coalition rejected the purported move.

In response to these internal Israeli political developments, international opponents of Netanyahu prepared further moves to prove him correct.



Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism  today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424. 

Read all about it here!

 

 

Thursday, February 22, 2024

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Yeroham, February 22 - A group of elite members of the Va'aknin household infiltrated their parents' bedroom while the latter lay sleeping, noiselessly opened the cabinet where candy lay sequestered in punishment for fabricated offenses, liberated the contraband, and emerged from the premises while suffering only minor injuries, family sources reported today.

Adi, Moshe, Yair, and Hodaya Va'aknin, ages 8-15, staged a clandestine operation last night to rescue the chocolate, lollipops, and caramel chews that Mr. Va'aknin had confiscated from them two days ago after believing a false report regarding his children's behavior at school. Adi and Moshe briefed reporters this morning following the success of the extraction and the safe ensconcing of the sweets in a secure location that the senior Va'aknin will never find, the children assured journalists.

"It was imperative that we conduct this operation, and I commend all involved for their courage and professionalism," stated Hodaya. "We have known about the location of the imprisoned snacks almost since the beginning. We had a plan in place for some time already to liberate them - but to work best it required the right set of circumstances. Last night the right set of circumstances fell into place."

According to information the children disclosed, the raid began with a discreet scouting mission at around 10 pm. Parents Adelle and Daniel had sent the younger four - which included a four-year-old and six-year-old not involved in the mission - to bed. The eight-year-old kept his mother distracted with complaints of discomfort while an older sibling occupied their father with questions about ominous noises from one of the toilets. These diversions enabled yet another sibling to scout the master bedroom and confirm the exact location of the mission quarry - and, if time permitted, to attempt an extraction.

However, a lookout posted outside the bathroom alerted the scout of Mr. Va'aknin's imminent return, and the team settled in for Plan B. "Plan A was never considered realistic," acknowledged Moshe. "It wouldn't take long for Abba to determine we were only hearing normal tank-refilling noises."

Thus, the older children pretended to go to bed, when in reality one of them had positioned herself with her bedroom door cracked open, lights off, to monitor her parents' movements and launch the second phase of the mission. At 11 pm, the lights went off in the kitchen, then living room, as Adelle and Daniel readied themselves for bed. Hodaya listened for the sounds of the toilet flushing twice, knowing that indicated both adults would soon lie horizontal. She woke and alerted the other three, who tiptoed to just outside the master bedroom and listened.

Earlier, Yair had switched their parents' dinnertime coffee for decaf.

The team ascertained that their mother's breathing had slowed, and that their father's snores had assumed its deep-sleep rhythm, data gleaned from previous scouting missions. An unfolded, three-step ladder with rubber feet was brought from the kitchen. The team worked slowly but quietly to open the bedroom door.

The children recalled barely breathing as one of them - they declined to disclose which one - made a daring foray into the master bedroom, carrying the ladder and placing it in front of Dad's closet. Bare feet sounded like booms to the anxious observers, but did not noticeably alter the sleep of the recumbent couple just a meter away.

Another two children tiptoed into the room to form a relay team to which the point man handed each item, with extreme care not to crinkle any of the plastic wrapping. Inside of four harrowing minutes, the entire stash of captive treats had exited the room. The stepladder returned to its original location. The treats were taken to the bedroom of the two youngest, uninvolved children, and stowed inconspicuously for subsequent retrieval.

Children everywhere cheered the successful mission and the blow it struck for justice. "This is the moral boost we desperately needed," gushed Tony Gutierrez, a children's rights activist.




Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism  today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424. 

Read all about it here!

 

 

Thursday, February 15, 2024


Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Jerusalem, February 15 - Scandal rocked a renowned Islamic seminary this week upon the discovery that a beloved instructor there habitually pleasures himself to images of Israeli soldiers who had humorously donned a shipment of absorbent disposable briefs that reached them by accident, sources within the seminary disclosed today.

Two members of that staff, who spoke on condition of anonymity, at the Mutaharish Aitfal Madrassa in Jerusalem's Moslem Quarter of the Old City, told reporters that a senior lecturer, whom they declined to name, was caught twice in the last two months masturbating to photographs of the IDF soldiers. The first time, the sources reported, the incident was dismissed as a one-time aberration or moment of weakness, but following the second time, which, according to information from someone within the madrassa administration, involved the presence of minors, and resulted in the instructor's suspension, at least temporarily.

As Israel began mobilizing and preparing for its current operations in the Gaza Strip, following an October 7 invasion of southern Israel by Hamas that killed 1200 Israelis and involved mass rape and brutality as well as the abduction of Israelis as hostages, Israelis, as well as supporters abroad, contributed tons of supplies, gifts, treats, and equipment to the standing and reserve troops. One such shipment reached a group of soldiers who discovered that a mix-up had caused them to receive not helmets, body armor, snacks, socks, underwear, children's letters, or gift cards, but adult diapers.

The unit in question decided to don the diapers and pose for a photo, which went viral among two separate audiences online: people who appreciated the humor in making light of an awkward situation, and anti-Israel users who enjoy depicting as helpless babies the soldiers who have by now destroyed two thirds of Hamas's fighting capacity in the Gaza Strip - killing, capturing, or incapacitating about 20,000 fighters - for a loss of only several hundred IDF soldiers.

The madrassa instructor's behavior has challenged the institution's administration and the surrounding community, which both take a hard pro-Palestinian stance. "The parents found out and are furious," acknowledged one of the sources. "Less so because of the minors being exposed to the masturbation - they were just the kids of staff, and nobody cares about them - and more because of the shame of this paragon, this mentor, getting aroused by... that stuff."

"I mean, if it were actual kids, or goats, no one would mind."




Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism  today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424. 

Read all about it here!

 

 

Thursday, February 08, 2024

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.

Rafah, February 8 - The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees announced today a raft of measures to meet the challenges inherent in the organization losing much of its budget by the end of this month because of ties to terrorism, measures that will include an event or series of events in which Gazans will prepare cakes, pastries, and other confections, and market them to passers-by, with the proceeds helping to cover some of the hundreds of millions in shortfall. The supplies for the event will come from the organization's own Hamas-run warehouses, where the goods are kept safe from the Gaza residents who might otherwise obtain them for free, as intended.

The United States, the European Commission, Austria, Iceland, Estonia, Latvia, Australia, and Lithuania, among others, declared a suspension of funding UNRWA unless and until the body undergoes an overhaul of its policies, culture, and procedures, in the wake of damning evidence that not only did some UNRWA staff participate in the atrocities of October 7 last year, numerous employees have direct Hamas associations, with half the workers connected to the terrorist group through family. Video and documentary evidence also shows that thousands of UNRWA teachers, for example, celebrate terrorism, and that nothing the organization does in the Gaza Strip can happen without approval and direction from Hamas itself, which appropriates aid goods and funds for its own purposes.

Analysts see the bake sale announcement as an extension of existing Hamas-UNRWA practices. "The UNRWA-provided foodstuffs are meant to be distributed to Gaza residents," explained Matan Shetten of the RAND Corporation. "But no one gets it free except the well-connected among Hamas itself. Everyone else has to buy it. It's even sold at retail in supermarkets. So what we have here with the bake sale is more of the same: Hamas-UNRWA extracting every last shekel from ordinary Palestinians, and letting only the barest amount of aid of any kind trickle down to the people."

"Who's going to buy the cakes - Egypt?" he continued. "No, the only people in Gaza are Gazans; Israeli soldiers, who wouldn't be interested; and Israeli hostages of Hamas, who have no access to the bake sale or money with which to buy anything. That just means more money siphoned away from the people who need it most."

A spokeswoman for UNRWA continued to insist today that every bag of flour is strictly audited and controlled.






Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism  today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424. 

Read all about it here!

 

 

Thursday, February 01, 2024

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Berkeley, February 1 - A coalition of groups that sought to demonstrate solidarity with the people of the Gaza Strip and to showcase their vehement opposition to the nation-state of the Jews defending themselves from Gazans, acknowledged today that they felt stymied by circumstances that deprive them of a suitable place in the vicinity for their demonstration, such as a prestigious cancer-treatment and research facility, or a Jewish house of worship.

Members of local chapters of Students for Justice in Palestine, Jewish Voice for Peace, If Not Now, and the Committee on American-Islamic Relations, among others, expressed their frustration Thursday that the area lacks a high-profile medical facility that may or may not have accepted generous donations from people who have also donated to Zionist causes, and that the only synagogue they can locate lies far away from any convenient gathering venue - meaning that the activists have nowhere to convene, disrupt traffic, chant antisemitic slogans, and bully passers-by or those in the facilities, in the name of Palestine.

"We're not New York, I know that," admitted Nerdi Kissassi, the coordinator of the would-be demonstration. "New York has both synagogues in large numbers, unfortunately, and top-flight cancer treatment centers. We don't have anything comparable in northern California. That means our avenues for expression of solidarity with Palestine, and to glorify resistance to the Zionists by any means, are much more limited. We can't hope to make headlines the same way."

She noted that some enterprising activists had targeted Jewish cemeteries and institutions with vandalism and pro-Palestine graffiti, but that failed to garner the desired attention and caused a backlash among locals. "You've got to go big if you're going to play the intimidation game, which is the nature of Palestine activism in the west," she explained. "Playing on people's sympathy will only get you so far, because all the Zionist propagandists have to do is show images of October 7 and all our efforts are wasted. No, we need to scare into silence or inaction those who would otherwise try to speak out for, or protect, Jews, regardless of where their sympathies lie. Unfortunately for us, the Bay Area doesn't have any major Jewish institutions of global, or even national, stature, and we're not going to get air time or news coverage by shouting, 'From the River to the Sea, Palestine will be free!' outside an abortion clinic or random day care center. It's a serious problem for us."



Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism  today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424. 

Read all about it here!

 

 

Monday, January 29, 2024

If Palestinians did land acknowledgements...













Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism  today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424. 

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Thursday, January 25, 2024

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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I Assure You The Red Cross Is Working As Hard As It Can To Facilitate Terrorism

by Mirjana Spoljaric Eggerpresident, International Committee of the Red Cross

Geneva, January 25
- Since its founding in 1863, this organization has led the world in first aid and disaster response, and continues to do so even in the most dangerous locations worldwide. This mission includes the Gaza Strip, where the ICRC has responded to the most recent outbreak of violence by making every imaginable effort not to get in the way of Hamas's operations, even going as far as to refrain from criticizing Hamas.

Unfair accusations have stemmed from the Red Cross's handling of Israelis held hostage in Gaza: that we have neglected to insist on visiting them; that we have cooperated with a terrorist organization; that when some hostages were freed, we served as little more than couriers. Those charges are profoundly insulting to anyone who knows what our organization does, the values it upholds, and how it operates.

To begin with, open criticism of Hamas in a Hamas-controlled area would put our personnel at risk and threaten the crucial functions that the Red Cross plays in Gaza. Without a robust ICRC presence, Hamas might be forced to provide health care for Gaza residents, and that would hamper the group's ability to, and resources toward, killing and torturing Israelis. Imagine how annoyed that would make Hamas! We cannot take that risk.

Thus our refusal to convey medications to hostages in need of it is understandable in context. The same for our silence on the question of hostages being raped or otherwise mistreated. We simply have to take Hamas at their word, since they are known for strict adherence to the truth in medical matters, such as the bombing of the Al-Ahli Hospital and the total absence of Hamas military infrastructure in or under health care facilities.

Also the death toll and classification of every single casualty as a noncombatant, which we all know to be unimpeachable and completely in line with every other urban combat situation in military history. The missiles into Israel are launching themselves!

Israeli sources enjoy no such credibility, as they contradict what everyone knows without checking. This is common knowledge. I cannot believe it requires explaining. It is precisely the attitude we were trying to get across when we told the family of an Israeli held hostage in Gaza, "Don't you feel sympathy for the Palestinians?" Because that it what one says to a suffering, grieving, terrified person.

If they're Jewish.






Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism  today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424. 

Read all about it here!

 

 

Thursday, January 18, 2024

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.



Gaza City, January 18 - The grim civilian fatality statistics from Israel's ongoing operation in this coastal territory in the wake of a Hamas invasion of southern Israel on October 7 hit an unfortunate milestone today, surpassing the total number of civilians in the territory, according to Ministry of Health records.

The ministry announced today that the dead from Israeli air, naval, artillery, tank, and infantry fire stands at 2.05 million, compared to the entire Gaza Strip population, last recorded at 2.048 million.

Human rights groups condemned Israel for the ongoing onslaught. "This is a crime against humanity on an unprecedented scale," declared Human Rights Watch. "Never before in the history of warfare has an aggressor killed more noncombatants than there were noncombatants in the targeted area."

A statement by Médecins Sans Frontières sounded a similar tone. "The brutality of Israeli actions against innocent Gazans knows no bounds," it read. "This dark milestone represents an indictment not just of the Israeli military and its political superiors, but of the international community, which has failed repeatedly in the course of this war to stop Israel from its inhuman onslaught."

"What's more," MSF continued, "all of these casualties are children, medical personnel, journalists, and humanitarian aid workers, some of them all of the above."

Experts warned that if the release of Gaza Ministry of Health casualty figures continues at a similar rate, by mid-year the death toll there will exceed the global Palestinian population, estimated at about ten million.

"If Israel keeps bombing Gaza, these numbers are going to keep getting worse," warned Amnesty International. "In fact, in just a few years, if the Israeli assault keeps up, the number of Palestinian dead will top the entire population of Earth. Woe to the generation that stands idly by while such atrocities happen."

The same organizations adopted a circumspect, even skeptical, stance regarding the reports from inside Israel on and after October 7, which documented Palestinian atrocities including mass rape, mutilation, torture, kidnapping, looting, vandalism, arson, mass murder, and other crimes - with some members of the human rights groups adhering to "the IDF killed all those Israelis" and "Hamas treated captives well" fictions long after evidence from Hamas itself debunked them. Any statements by those organizations criticizing the October 7 massacres made sure never to mention Palestinian violence alone, always taking care to denounce, in close proximity to such mentions, Israeli actions aimed at bringing the perpetrators to justice and preventing recurrence.







Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism  today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424. 

Read all about it here!

 

 

Tuesday, January 16, 2024

The first one needs to be blown up (so to speak.)











Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism  today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424. 

Read all about it here!

 

 

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This blog may be a labor of love for me, but it takes a lot of effort, time and money. For over 19 years and 40,000 articles I have been providing accurate, original news that would have remained unnoticed. I've written hundreds of scoops and sometimes my reporting ends up making a real difference. I appreciate any donations you can give to keep this blog going.

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